Had a very emotional meeting today with management today. Let me set the scene so I can provide a bit of context. I am halfway through my third term of my third year of teaching. This year I have stepped up and taken on Yr 11 chemistry and also picked up Yr 9 science. This is in addition to already teaching Yr 8 and 10, and for want to a better term looking after 1 period a week an AS chem class and a A2 physics class. So as you can guess I teach at a Cambridge school. A small private top performing private school and the stakes are high for everyone involved - students, teachers and parents.
Taking on the Yr 9 class was no big deal really since I was already teaching Yr 8 and 10. The biggest issue was adding a modern touch to the Yr 9 material without ruffling the feathers of my HOD. I have managed to achieve this really well all things considering. This has had some bumpy bits as the year has progressed but nothing that got this swan really concerned about.
The Yr 11 on the other hand is a whole nother story. So personality wise I am a self confessed stress bunny, very self critical and honest, I don't just mean I a good way I mean I can be too open, too honest and too blunt, and to make matters worse I have no poker face, I mean zip, nada, zero poker face. I do love a good game of texas hoden, but my tells are obvious and there are certain hands I will always bet on. I am an open book, it is like looking through a window and you can see exactly what I am thinking and feeling. Now I have been come to realise this year especially, that this is a really disadvantage and something I really need to seriously work on. I need to keep my cards closer to my chest too become less brutally honest with everyone. I need to learn to better pick my time and place to appear unsure and super and unconfident. What I am really trying to say is that I need to be far better at faking self confidence in myself until I can truly feel that I am self confident in the material I am delivering. I from time to time left the facade slip just a fraction and as a result the kids smell blood and lose confidence in me and my knowledge and authority,
So where do the Yr 11 fit into all of this. So again some background. I was pretty decent at Chem at school, I took it right through till level 3 and in first year at uni. I have always loved chem, so I have a biochem degree and a Masters in forensics. So I have a sound knowledge base it's just that a lot of it has been in storage since I first year uni or from when I finished the first year of my masters. I have been continually reassured this year that i have the knowledge and that i am able to teach the course in my sleep, the trouble is I do not believe it or have faith in my own ability. I have chronic self doubt, it is one of my worst traits, I hate is. I try to have a positive outlook, and my glass is always full, its just that the amount of water is always changing to the proportion of air that is also present. I am currently about 1/3 full. I will admit in writing that I am not in a very good head space when I comes to my yr 11. I am wracked with doubt and worry that I have not taught them enough or correctly this year and that they are all going to achieve below their potential and it is all going to be my fault. As a result of this I have been having meltdowns recently that have not gone unnoticed at the top of by the colleague that i share my classroom with.
This lack of self belief came to ahead today with a very useful meeting, I am incredibly grateful and blessed to be part of a very small close knit staff and also to be part of the best science department in the city that have over 100 years teaching experience between the 3 of them and I am so lucky to be able to and be encouraged to take full advantage of every single day. between us we have made a plan. A plan that I am in love with and very grateful to be in a position to receive ongoing support and mentoring because I know a lot of third and fourth year teachers are not given this support, They are dropped in the deep end and let to their own devices. I have been set up with our physic teacher who is just amazing!! He is like a second father to me and I learn something new off him everyday, I am so luck to be in his presence. we jokingly say that he has been teaching forever, and when you think about it, he has been teaching longer than my father and he has been teaching for over 30 years. So I have the most amazing man in which, under his expert guidance and mentoring, I can perfect my craft and become the teacher I was born to be. I am very excited about the prospect and hopefully in the coming weeks I can set in writing a plan to take my Yr 11 from scaring me in how they are going to do in their exams to a place of confidence not only in me and what i have been teaching them this year but also to a place where they are confident in their subject knowledge so they can nail their exams in November.
I want nothing more that to become the swan I am meant to be. All calm and graceful on the surface, having the aura of sound knowledge and unwavering confidence in myself and my ability as a teacher but also to be able to run my classroom they way I want to but haven't quite figured out how to yet, I am nearly there but that is for another post.
I am looking forward to setting some goals and defining parameters so I can become a more confident teacher and enable my students to succeed to the best of their ability with out me dragging them down and influencing their performance negatively.
Bring on the second half of term 3, term four and 2016. They are going to see a better and improved version of Miss Graham. I hope the student population is ready!!!!
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